Journey to Ixtlan

“You Stand Out” is a poem about attraction. It speaks to both the first blush and the continued fascination of one person for another.


You Stand Out

I wonder why you stand out
from the breadth of human kind.
Attraction is too small a word
to share how I feel for you.

I wish I could convey
the impact you have on me today.
I'll weave some lines to explain
why my interest is proclaimed.

Sirens call their haunting song
when I hear your lovely voice.
Nature takes my breathe away
when I see your fetching face.

Your tender touch electrifies,
in response I feel alive.
My heart does take a leap,
your company is complete.

This combination is so rare,
only angels can compare.
You are here and they are not,
your radiance is heaven sent.

© 2016, Sean Green. All Rights Reserved, 20160109.

I find attraction to be a magical and powerful mystery. The poem “To Each Their Own” is an observation of those things that trigger and support attraction. The list is not all inclusive. I can admit that I have a thing for noses. Some shapes are very attractive. In the end we do pursue a unique collection of “tastes”, and with luck, we encounter people who match our desires.


To Each Their Own
Poem for Day 280 – 20151008

To each their own is the phrase
defining the inclinations
of a life lived most honestly
on the shores of predilection.
The destinations will baffle some,
this matters little when we alone
in this world seeking beauty in our midst
and finding it in patterns of our own.

The ships sail by of gender same
or gender different, each their own,
proclivity of attraction steers
likings in ways personal to describe.
All the curves both hard and soft,
subtle and pronounced in their shape,
draw the eye as interest manifests
focuses on the physical constructs.

So many tints of the witching eyes,
doorways to deep desires evoked
on alters of gaze's windows
striking straight to my very soul.
Hair long or short, of colors specific,
can turn the head without thought.
I'll follow my scarlet disposition,
you may have a different fondness.

Discern the most beautiful mind
by the bearer's lovely cerebral ways.
By action of written or spoken art,
the intellect shines with fondness.
Last but not least the spiritual path,
revelations of the soul's journey,
to seek and quest for larger thing
triggers a passion for a similar soul.

Gentle reader this is a sample
of humanity's preferred partialities.
There are so many more,
some of the norm and others bizarre.
To each their own remains the phrase
of attraction's mystery in our midst.
Seek your personal proclivity
as you pursue your propensity.

© 2015, Sean Green. All Rights Reserved.

I want to write about the attraction, how attraction butts up against societal movements, and the “manners” of attraction. This is mixed bag, but I'd like to try to tackle them all at once. Hopefully the outcome will give you food for thought about a topic that seems to be part of our personality DNA.

What is attraction? I prefer the fancy word “predilection”. By definition predilection is “a tendency to think favorably of something in particular; partiality; preference: a predilection for Bach”. To use this word in a sentence: I believe that people have attraction predilections. There are some things about people that are instantly attractive. These predilections are hard-wired into us, and the attraction is manifested when a person with the trait(s) is viewed. We find some people instantly attractive because of specific physical facts about a person rather than mysterious unknowables.

Multiple traits can be the subject of predilections. I found a list (http://www.spencergreenberg.com/2011/08/demystifying-the-magic-of-attraction/#.U97qIWP1pyI) of predilection associated physical characteristics. The website listed the following: Facial features, Body structure (including gender), Scent, Eye contact, Similarity/Group membership, Status, Value, Warmth/Interest, and Touch. I can attest to being impacted by some of these! Why? I believe that I am impacted because my predilections are so specific. Strangers are instantly attractive to me. I can attest that I once knew a guy that found hat wearing women to be instantly attractive. We all know people who seem to go for “types”. Their romantic inclinations seem to hit on a common set of body / personality features. I don't believe there is anything mysterious here.

I was moved to write this article because a friend shared a blog entry titled “6 Things I Don’t Understand About The Fat Acceptance Movement” (http://thoughtcatalog.com/carolyn-hall/2014/04/6-things-i-dont-understand-about-the-fat-acceptance-movement/). I approve of societal movements that motivate people to feel better about themselves. I also applaud societal education. The internet is a wonderful avenue for this. I also believe that pendulums swing, and sometimes they swing too far. I connected with the article's point 'People are allowed to not be attracted to certain body types'. Translation: it is OK to not be attracted to all people. I don't believe that shaming people into being attracted to all people is a doable proposition. People have predilections when it comes to who they are attracted to. Personal attraction not really a statement about overall attractiveness. Predilections are just that, a personal thing, and it is not possible for societal movements to modify predilections via a campaign of shame-based right-thinking.

I'll illustrate the with a poor analogy. I have a very strong preference for unsweetened tea. Most Southerners seem to like sweet tea. Many “are you a Southerner?” memes use this as a benchmark. What if I run into an “It is OK to be a Southerner” societal movement? It is OK! Then, what if I am shamed for enjoying unsweetened tea. I must not be a true Southerner! I must think Southerners who drink sweet tea are wrong, or I don't support them. Yep, this isn't the best analogy in the world, but it does show how personal preferences are not inherently evil, and that coercive methods of convincing changing personal preferences aren't cool.

Lastly I want to talk about the manners of attraction predilections. I've gotten myself into some dangerous territory here. A predilection could be used to excuse behavior that is rude and / or dangerous to society. This is best illustrated in bullet point with my personal feelings on the limitations of predilections:

1) Predilections are NOT an acceptable excuse for behavior (such as pedophelia) that is dangerous to oneself or society. There is a difference between a little kink and being seriously sick.
2) Predilections are a starting point in relationships. They are biological "hooks". They are surface traits, and should not be confused for who a person is overall.
3) Having a predilection is not an excuse to attempt a relationship / encounter with every person who satisfies the predilection.
4) Predilections are ZERO excuse for harassing behavior. I've read too many articles recently about women receiving unwanted attention. Don't be a jerk because you find somebody attractive.
5) Remember that predilections are insanely personal. Some may be even borderline insane! With point #1 in mind, don't judge what another person innately desires.
6) Predilections are often overridden when actual contact with other people commences. The saying “plans are the first casualty of war” comes to mind. It is OK to fall in with somebody who is not “your normal type”.

In summary, understanding attraction predilections explains a lot about human behavior, but there is more to the story. Predilections are an instinctive shortcut to finding people attractive. They are incredibly personal, and it is problematic to make them targets of general societal movements. While powerful, predilections can be abused when their healthy place in person-to-person relationships is not properly accounted for. This article was about attraction predilections. Other forms of predilections can be viewed through the lens provided by this article.

Intimacy is tricky. Attraction between people can be even trickier. What of people who seem to be attracted to both sexes: the opposite and their own? Here we visit the sometimes controversial realm of bisexual attraction. Some time ago a friend on a non-Facebook blog said, “I think a lot of people mistake being bi-attracted as being bi-sexual. A lot of people are attracted to those of the same sex, but they won't actually have sex with them or have a relationship with them. Bisexual, for some people, is a misnomer.“

I thought this was a good good point. Attraction is a funny animal. It can so easily transcend gender identity. It also comes in several forms. A guy or gal can say "that person (of the same gender) sure is good looking", and just leave it at that. I would hope there is a fair amount of that going on. The outcome of the "boy they are good looking (attractive!)" more manifests in emulation or a desire to be their bud.

Is there a practical difference between bi-attraction and bi-sexual? I think the tipping point would be to imagine / fantasize sexual congress with a same gender person. They might ponder a relationship beyond friends? That is where attraction crosses over. There is still no actual sex, but the unrealized potential is more there.

However, things may not be that simple. Strong emotions cloud our easy labels. Consider why we are attracted to people at all. We desire intimacy in our hearts of hearts. As I've written elsewhere, that intimacy can be physical, emotional, or spiritual. Can a person be bisexual if their attraction is strongly emotional? Too often we put emotional ties into the same box as physical intimacy. That is a good question. I suspect the classic label of bisexual would not apply if a people of the same gender had a VERY strong emotional connection, while being clearly attracted to the opposite gender. With that said, It would be nice to have emotional intimacy with people of all types, and not be forced to have that intimacy stuffed into labeled boxes.

Healthy emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy should transcend boxes, be they heterosexual, bi-sexual, or homosexual. I approve of this approach because it takes all the labels off of the table. There would still be confusion because we don't understand another person's life experience, but at least we can honor their tricky intimacy.

A wonderfully attractive (on so many levels!) friend of mine got me thinking about sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and gender. I engage in the art of photography. Principally I photograph people events, animals and (abandoned mostly) landscapes. I don't do much modeling type photography, though this will happen also! While I do enjoy writing, and sometimes even do it well, I am really a visual type guy. The visual is a big hook for me when it comes to whom I am attracted to. It kick starts the process, but then other stuff goes from there. I am attracted to smart people who have a wicked and diverse sense of humor. Still, the visual goes a long way.

( More thoughts on this! )

IMO life is like photography. Sexual and romantic attraction are influencers of where we put our attention. Gender is an influencer, but honestly, it is more of a distraction than an enabler. Yeah, it sets up scripts that are easily played out, but this is window dressing to the stuff going on both shallow and deep levels. Peel back the onion and attraction has less and less to do with the sexual and romantic things. Engagement is really the goal.