Thinking Good Thoughts...

[kokopelle]

Today was a tough day for me... lots of thoughts about not being here. Thankfully I have some things that I can fall back on. The first is a Sinfest cartoon I saw a coupla years ago. The second came up tonight during my viewing of The Matrix...

.

Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself

Comments

[chimerae.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry it's hard.

I've never quite figured out why this time at the beginning of July is so nightmarish.

Do you have safety plans and a protocol when things spiral this direction?

[greensh.livejournal.com]

I suppose my safety plans are more precautionary than anything else. I don't own a gun because this is the preference in my dark thoughts. And thankfully things don't spiral too far now that I'm on the Cymbalta. It is frustrating though. The darkest of thoughts is that I will eventually undo myself, it is fated in some way, so avoidance now is only a consolation prize.

It is interesting that my writing has become less "deep" since I started the Cymbalta. It could be the drug, or it could be I've been exploring the photography angle more than deep thoughts. Course, one could say that pictures are a thousand words (smile).

[chimerae.livejournal.com]

I'm never sure how it's appropriate to respond to your writing, so I either don't say anything or I just shrug and say whatever I have to say and just hope for the best.

So . . . take this all with a grain of salt from someone with lots of experience navigating really dark places.

The "eventually undo" sounds like an old tape. Someone from your childhood set you up with a self-fulling prophecy?"

I have two techniques I use to get through my plethora of those old tapes. Most of the time I recognize it as such and just practice a discipline to put something different in play. My current version for my thought that's similar to yours is to add that somehow, no matter how I screw up, the Universe manages to set things back on the road anyway.

The second that I use in the hardest times, is to fall all the way through to the depths of the feeling.

There's a place for some few of us that's like passing through a blackhole wormhole where past the place of absolute depths, it's all okay.

Kinda dark okay, but . . . one of my pals says that if you have to live your life in a foxhole, then toss down a couple of oriental carpets, a couch, some table lamps and a few good books, kick back on your couch and watch the clouds when you're not on duty. You succeed simply by being there and not giving up your ground.

Suicidal idiations are really serious. I'm glad that you're responsible and take them seriously. For warriors of the spirit (and you're one) they're a tricky sign that something in our life needs to die -- we just get confused and think that it's us. Times like this are the times when I gather up whatever I no longer need - depression, stuckness, false ego, expectations, co-dependant relationships, self delusion - and let THEM die.

The trouble with deep talk, including deep writing, is that words are just the flotsam and jetsam swirling around on the top of really deep water -- and that deep water flows in response to mostly hidden shapes of earth and shifts in weather patterns. Words are "what we got" but the substance is far more interesting.

Be safe. Time will change.

[chimerae.livejournal.com]

I always forget the shamanic basics

Have you . . .

smudged?

bathed in epsom salts?

burned epsom salt?

stood in running water (like a stream)

and all the rest . . .

[greensh.livejournal.com]

I am both honored and delighted when you respond to my writing... shrugging is OK too when appropriate.

My life is changing in some very major ways. Good changes, but the frustrating part is that I am in the "middle" of these changes. The other challenge I create for myself is that I am in a state of physical exhaustion right now, and mental wellness can be more difficult under that condition.

Thank's for the reminder about shamanic basics! There are some things that make me happy(ier), and they are really basic and very shamanically connected. I will write about them another time (smile).

Again, thanks for the feedback!

[chimerae.livejournal.com]

Exhaustion is about the only thing that puts me into my authentic experience. Seems like it I have ANY resources I just can't resist . . . trying.

Without exhaustion, I just rush around trying not to try and then trying not to do that too.

I finally gave up trying to beat myself at my own game and reframed. Now I experience exhaustion within the context of the 5 Stages of Initiation and experience it both as the first step Break/Separation from the familiar, and the Ordeal.

[franciscan.livejournal.com]

Ditto the above.

Hang in there. From what I have read in your journal, you are someone who is blessed with the ability to see and experience beyond the surface. It can be troublesome at times...

If you would like some help unraveling some of those old tapes. let me know.

Blessings to you

[greensh.livejournal.com]

Will do... I may have some stuff to run by you soon(ish).

New house

[chimerae.livejournal.com]

Just thought of this when I answered your ghost vigil stuff.

I don't remember the back story on your new house, but it seems like a really "interesting" place (in a great way)

Did you have someone other than yourself and outside your circles of close association come in an do a couple of energy clearing? With your spiritual gemometries and inclusion issues you might be packing stuff from the house that could be cleared by someone else.

I can't clear that stuff by myself once I connect, so I keep a list of allies and maintain the discipline to tap them for help when I need it. When I NEED help, I don't WANT help.

ME DO IT!!!! (yeah, right . . .like that's gonna happen . . . )

Re: New house

[greensh.livejournal.com]

The house was built in 1951 to be the manse (parsonage) for the church diagonally across the road. It was then rented during the 1980s and early 1990s. After that it sat empty for several years before I purchased the building.

I'm still not moved in. There is still plumbing repair, painting and bathroom floor repair on the refurbishing "to-do" list. I am probably 3-4 weeks from moving into the house.

I have sensed one spirit there. It has the nature of a sad female, and is focused in the room that will be my bedroom. My lovely mate felt the same, and said that such a spirit was not one to keep around. I agree. So, there will be an energy clearing sufficient to help move the spirit along.