Sad Recipe

[kokopelle]

Warning... about suicide. Stay away if this would bother or trigger you!

Sadly I have a better understanding of the recipe for suicide:

Parts Sadness
Parts Rage
Parts Disconnection

Mix together, and there isn't any reason to keep living. This combination is kinda like fire, it takes all three for a suicide to occur. So, the trick is to decrease or eliminate one or more of the three. At this point I really only have control over the disconnection. The sadness and rage can be touched through self-medication, but I really don't want to go there to often. This is only temporary. The rage is very very deep, and I'm not sure how to get to it. The sadness is closer to the surface, and there are events I can do that lessen it for a time. Interesting. Unfortunately this does not really help because I feel more helpless: the secret sauce for suicide.

Comments

[oceans_voice]

In my past, I have contemplated suicide. I did not go through with it, obviously. All of these things are definitely components of it. I think you have it accurate. Do you have someone you can talk to about this? Suicide, while it seems it may be a better option, is not worth it. Life can be so beautiful and we are beautiful despite all of our imperfections. People love you. You are so talented. From my own experience, and as I am still doing, it is hard work to uncover what makes us angry and sad. And the disconnection often is the source of the anger and the sadness. The first cause of it so to speak. If you want to talk about it, I am here for you. Just know you are not alone. You are cared for and loved more than you know. And life is worth it. Connection can be re-found.

[kokopelle]

Thank you for the feedback! It helps to know that I'm not struggling in a vacuum. Connections are important in life. At least for me, they offer some help to my unhealthy thoughts. I do resist actively reaching out to people. I've done that in the past, and I felt like I wore out my welcome with friends who wondered why I just couldn't get better. OK, they didn't say that, and probably didn't even think it, but I see life that way. Again, thank you for the feedback.

[kokopelle]

Talking about suicide... other than posting from the relative safety of electronic distance? Nope. I used to talk to a friend about it, but I talked too much. That friend has moved onto a light and love and joy and happiness lifestyle, so I don't bother them anymore. My mother was manic depressive. I don't think I have the manic part... but I did pick up the depressed part somewhere. The roots of my anger and sadness go WAY BACK to early childhood... stuff I can't remember (much). I value your sharing and honor your struggle. This seems to help more than just talking. Sides.. when would I stop talking if I started? Ah! Grist for a poem.