The Sex Contract

[kokopelle]

A dear and insightful friend of mine wrote:

There is so much debate in yogic circles about sex and spirituality... to have sex, to not have sex, that sex will drain your spiritual energies, that sex will enhance your spiritual energies. To me, the above quote says it all and is in alignment with how I believe. I personally think that the back and forth over sex goes to a much deeper issue than sex. It goes to how a person feels about his/her own sexuality. Spiritual energy IS sexual energy. There is no merging of the two. So how can sex be bad? We are taught that sex is bad. I say forget books, forget what people say, and do what the body says to do. If the body wants to have sex, then have sex. It is a natural human and animalistic thing to do, and probably the most fun that we can have with our bodies. I think that when sexual fears and questions come up, it is mind chatter, really. I think that the yogic disciplines that say not to have sex are really trying to control something that cannot be controlled and thus cause more problems than it is worth.

I responded with the following (slightly modified). The talk of "B&D" and "S&M" is for contrasting purposes only. I have no idea what my friend’s feelings are on these topics.

Energy comes in many forms. Human beings have a finite amount of it. Additionally, we tend to get scattered when energy is too widely distributed. People are really picky about how they spread their energies around.

What does this have to do with sex? The fears and questions may be idle chatter, but our emotional energy and spiritual integrity are very real. Spiritual contracts are real. Karmic outcomes are real. Can you split your emotions between multiple partners? Can you "live with yourself" after wards? The integrity I speak of is not one of guilt. It is instead one of being true to your beliefs, no matter what they are. We create spiritual contracts in life. Sexual interplay is a powerful tool for creation of spiritual bonds. Sometimes the bonds are that of lives that will never be separated. Sometimes the bonds are merely agreements of sexual/physical hygiene. The twisting or breaking of these contracts can lead to karmic after shocks. IMO humans cannot live without some degree of spiritual contracts. Sexuality, of any most flavor, creates them.

What are the ramifications of full sexual freedom? Do "extreme" sexual practices open widen personal horizons? Maybe or maybe not. Consider if you’re a B&D or S&M type. There is nothing inherently wrong with these when practiced with the consensual. But know that the further away from the "norm" you travel, the fewer matching partners will be found. Only the consensual and available should play in these arenas. I know it seems extreme to compare open sex to these forms of "deviancy" (mega quote-unquote), but talk of open sexual relationships is seen as extreme by much of our society. The far edge of the envelope can be a lonely place when integrity is properly embraced.

What if you embrace the sex and have not come to terms with your existing beliefs? The mantra of "because I can and it is natural" is not enough when the outcome is contrary to the existing belief structure. Can belief structures shift along with behavior? Sure! Is it "wrong" to dissolve existing emotional ties/contracts in pursuit of unfettered expression of the physical, that of animalistic sex? No. Just be darn sure that's what you want, because while you are shifting, your partner(s) may not be. There is no turning back when this course of action is taken. This path emphasizes the fact that life is largely lived in a forward direction.

Comments

[elegy-of-flames.livejournal.com]

Oooo, what a fun can of worms you've opened! Is nobody playing? ^^ I'll bite! *grin* Also, the bondage ranger icon is rather appropriate here...

As the endgame to a complicated relationship evolution that's been going on for a while, my current relationship is polyamorous. The standard disclaimer is that I'm very new to this, and cannot yet know whether it will turn out to be what I believe (relationship-wise and relationship format-wise) or if I am going to get burned by this. So, from that perspective, and on a very personal level (could this possibly be discussed otherwise?):

"talk of open sexual relationships is seen as extreme by much of our society" Including from where I'm standing, after a fashion. Having been a participant and a lurker in various debates on polyamory forums, I can honestly say that in many cases a completely open (commitment-free, restriction-free) sexual relationship is seen by many as the way to avoid getting entangled and getting hurt. I don't think it's an answer, both because it doesn't work and because IMO it shouldn't.

"Spiritual contracts are real...We create spiritual contracts in life. Sexual interplay is a powerful tool for creation of spiritual bonds. Sometimes the bonds are that of lives that will never be separated." I agree with that - I believe that no interaction with another human being comes contract-free. As an example on a very basic level, simply participating in our society and reaping the many benefits of it means you are signing on to the basic contract of being subject to your state's laws and regulations - paying your taxes, not going on a mass-murder spree, and other such nice arrangements; and failing to live up to your end of the deal reaps consequences. Attempting to avoid the emotional intimacy that usually goes hand in hand with protracted sexual intimacy therefore does not mean you are not entering into a contract; it simply limits the extent of the exchange.

But I will go beyond simply saying that "humans cannot live without some degree of spiritual contracts" - I think it's a very basic craving, although the quantity and quality desired will vary from person to person. I also think these contracts are a good thing - man is a social animal, and doesn't always do brilliantly in isolation; interacting with others is one fundamental thing that helps us reach our full potential as individuals and as a species (although it also can cause a great deal of suffering on both a personal and a collective level).

"I think that the yogic disciplines that say not to have sex are really trying to control something that cannot be controlled and thus cause more problems than it is worth." Following from my last idea, whether it causes "more problems than it's worth" will really vary depending on individual perspective. I personally would not choose to live without this intimacy (whether I could or not is another matter altogether), and therefore understand that I must accept all the complications and potential heartache that come with it. My decision to embrace polyamory was born out of a desire to increase the amount of intimacy, sexual but more importantly emotional, in my life, not to avoid it.

(cut due to length)

[elegy-of-flames.livejournal.com]

(cont'd)



"Energy comes in many forms. Human beings have a finite amount of it. Additionally, we tend to get scattered when energy is too widely distributed. People are really picky about how they spread their energies around." Indeed. Part of the "contract" in my case is inherent in the fact that I can be very high-maintenance; I desire and require a great deal of time, energy, and intimacy. I am not happy with less. This means that I would not be happy in a "secondary" relationship, and that I will require a certain amount of time in any partner's presence, some of it exclusive, in order to feel properly "connected". I also give as good as I get, in that regard. This understanding limits the amount of partners for both myself and any boyfriends, because giving any relationship less than the time and energy it deserves is doing it a great injustice, IMO - and this applies to non-romantic and non-sexual relationships as well.

"but talk of open sexual relationships is seen as extreme by much of our society. The far edge of the envelope can be a lonely place when integrity is properly embraced" Admittedly, "deviating" from the norm in this manner limits your options a great deal. I am personally acquainted with a person who is so into BDSM he is simply not interested in sexual contact devoid of this element. This does significantly limit his choice of partners, in the same way that polyamory limits the choice of partners - neither of these should be practiced without full consensuality. Integrity is not important just on a personal level, it is also inevitably tied up with what the "karmic outcomes" of any "contract", ie any interaction between two or more people, will be.

So what's your take on this? (And sorry if my response comes in two weeks...*grin*)

[greensh.livejournal.com]

Have a wonderful two weeks. I expect pictures of shiney things if the opportunity presents itself!

I think you presented our words very well. I don't know what I would add to that. I had my own period of polyamorous activity, aka "the year of the male pagan slut". It was fun, but I don't know if I would repeat it. There are some really wack people out there. Anyway, your words line up with my own experience.