One of the Two? Take Both.

[kokopelle]

There is a joking handyman's sign that says:

1) Do it Cheap
2) Do it Right
3) Do it Fast

Pick two of the three.

We human beings want feedback that is both loving and dispassionate. We want feedback that is both caring and unbiased. We don't believe both are possible. The resulting "feedback sign" looks something like this:

1) Loving and caring
2) Dispassionate and unbiased

Pick one set.

Somewhere along the way we believe that only unique people can give us both. We believe that unbiased people cannot be loving and that caring people cannot be dispassionate. We crave both, but the imagined sign denies this to us. We are left feeling dissatisfied with the feedback we do receive. Resentment builds. This resentment turns inward, nudging us to cast doubt on any feedback, no matter what the source. In the end we choose one of the sets and live the best we can with the disappointment.

I post my very personal foibles to the those who I perceive to be dispassionate and unbiased. My inward "feedback" resentment has carried over to supporting my rejection of family for not supporting me. I see abandonment as the failure of loving feedback. I don't want to repeat this. I still very much resist exposing myself to those who are loving and caring. I don't want to expose myself to those who love me because, once again, they will fail me or abandon me.

The divine humor of life says that there are people all around me who can both love me and provide unbiased feedback. The feedback sign is a lie. The separation is an illusion. God, I wish I could truly embrace this thought. John Powell has a wonderful book named, "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? Insights into Personal Growth". I haven't yet been able to completely read John's book. It is a personal challenge for me to do this. I say this before those who are both caring and dispassionate. (smiles)

Comments

Unconditional self acceptance is the ultimate radicalism.

[chimerae.livejournal.com]

When I was a tech manager, I lived in the cheap-fast-good triangle . . .and I LIKED it. I liked it because the power of three trumps the human personal and cultural tendency to dualism that I believe comes out of our bilateral symmetry. By always pushing to maximize those THREE, I lived in a zone where I could never "win" partly because anyone wanting to be critical could pick any one of the three and out of context, make it a failure. That was a consequence of the limitation of the critical audience. It kept me sharp and focused.

"In the country of the blind the one eyed man will be king." But he won't see eye to eye with everyone else.

I like that you started this post with that, you have a talent for intuitively sketching a map to your own resolution and then, once on the journey your intellect gets a bit boggled.

Re: Unconditional self acceptance is the ultimate radicalism.

[greensh.livejournal.com]

I'm a Project Engineer for my daytime job. I work for a medical device manufacturer. As we are regulated by the FDA, the "right" option is always one of the two choices. This means that I get to do my projects either a) cheaply but slow or b) fast but expensive. The "golden mean" of all three can occur, but I think it is a matter of planning and perspective when this is the case.

(smile)

[chimerae.livejournal.com]

Passion and compassion are inverse phenomena. In my experience, individuals put their consciousness "center of gravity" on one side or the other, inevitably unbalancing both.

Hard to explain what I mean quickly (which usually indicates I have something wrong) but it's a echo of the gospel directive to "love your neighbor as yourself" -- by that we fail equally when we love our neighbor MORE than ourself. I found that to be true, passion and compassion have to be grown together.

Love is a funny word in our culture. Love can indicate passion or the social tool of inclusion and acceptance. Mutually exclusive. Acceptance is equally "funny" -- unconditional acceptance is quite different from "passing the mark" acceptance -- in many ways they are mutually exclusive.

I wonder if it would help if you set your intent with greatest simplicity: for love and truth. If you can lean into your unusual talent for intuition while in the midst of your intellectual/interpersonal journey you may discover that even in the midst of biased feedback you "hear" and resonate only with the truth. With the exact same mechanism, I believe that YOU (unlike most people) have the ability to hear and resonate with the elements of love.

The step to do that involves a different personal relationship with your wounded child.

Safe journey.

cc

AND ANOTHER THING (then I'll quit)

[chimerae.livejournal.com]

If you are a system guy, you have a tool most people will never get.

Remember that in systems practice, you cannot solve systems problems from within the system. You can't address systems problems from outside the system. To address and correct systems problems requires episodic engagement and the attendant alienation.

You know what though? It means that OUTSIDE the system there is peership available, that it's impossible to experience while committed as a system component.

Sometimes I think of it like a space vehicle. On the ground things are okay, in free fall things are okay. Riding the nose of the rocket up is a skillfulness that determines whether you're on breakthrough or bomb. Re-entry (to date) is always a bitch. I'm open to more grace in the whole process.

Re: AND ANOTHER THING (then I'll quit)

[greensh.livejournal.com]

No need to quit if you have more to say! I was thinking about this very topic this morning. I will use your words as a jumping off point for my own thoughts. Thank you!