Messy Sex Revisited
Jul. 19th, 2014 08:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kokopelleFrom 2007... an article for today posted for my friends (and myself) who struggle with such things.
In a previous post I said that sexuality and its expression are very complex. People can find themselves with many sexual appetites. Some have their root in nature and others in nurture. The expression of sexuality ranges from desires and action. Feeling lust and fulfilling the urges are not the same. These complexities create a spectrum from fantasy to actual actions. Sexuality cannot be put in tidy little boxes. Statements of "wait" and "don't do it" pale in the face of human drives. Deviancy is the norm. Perhaps that is an overstatement. A better statement would be that there are few 'norms' when the full expression of human sexuality is viewed.
What is deviancy? An incomplete definition would compare it to what people believe normality is. Again, I believe there are few 'norms' in the fuller breadth of human sexuality. There are societal expectations. These define what is approved by the society and what is not. Those who step outside of the society's boxes are labeled deviant. This does not make their actions bad, but it does place them in a place of nonsupport by the larger society.
Sexuality exists in our heads. We imagine and create a sexual world that bears only a passing resemblance others' realities. I believe that only a small fraction of these imagining are related to others. We are not so incredibly special that only you or I have a unique sexual thought. There are sexual "archetypes" that are not fully expressed by those who feel them. These archetypes are physically expressed when willing partner(s) are found. I believe that many of us walk around frustrated, our imaginings kept only to ourselves. The mantras of "don't do it" push these desires deeper. Those who deny the physical expression of their desires and continue to feed them internally run the risk of a "exploding" in some inappropriate or destructive way. I say that sex in the head may not be 'real, but it does have a drive and voice that must be addressed for the person to have a healthy life.
Sexuality exists in congress with others. I am a fan of consensual activities. I also believe that there is a place of hygiene, compassion and acknowledgment of life contracts. Hygiene speaks to being responsible and mature. Compassion adds an emotional component to the maturity. Life contracts are those agreements we have with people. Sexuality can create energetic bonds. We establish contracts with others so that bonds are guarded and respected. Simply put, don't make any promises you can't keep when it comes to sexual relationships. All of this rolls up into something I will call sexual integrity.
Sexual integrity is important no matter how 'deviant' the behavior is. The irony is that more extreme deviant behavior requires more sexual integrity. Deviancy moves people away from the norm of the bell curve. Reliable and matching partner(s) become more difficult to find. Those who are compatible are entrusted with the knowledge that the person is outside of societal norms. So, there is a reputation aspect as wells as any associated health issues. In my opinion, sustained deviancy requires more maturity than sexuality experienced "in the norm".
I'm a deviant in my own ways. I strongly suspect we all are. This is not important, as the measure of deviancy can be an artificial creation of the society or tribe. How can we turn those 'deviant' thoughts in our heads into reality? Find a tribe that supports your appetites. Then honor yourself and others. Sexuality is only part of a larger life. The healthy pursuit of your sexuality, no matter where it will take you, is just a part of who you are. Be safe, have fun, and celebrate complexity.
In a previous post I said that sexuality and its expression are very complex. People can find themselves with many sexual appetites. Some have their root in nature and others in nurture. The expression of sexuality ranges from desires and action. Feeling lust and fulfilling the urges are not the same. These complexities create a spectrum from fantasy to actual actions. Sexuality cannot be put in tidy little boxes. Statements of "wait" and "don't do it" pale in the face of human drives. Deviancy is the norm. Perhaps that is an overstatement. A better statement would be that there are few 'norms' when the full expression of human sexuality is viewed.
What is deviancy? An incomplete definition would compare it to what people believe normality is. Again, I believe there are few 'norms' in the fuller breadth of human sexuality. There are societal expectations. These define what is approved by the society and what is not. Those who step outside of the society's boxes are labeled deviant. This does not make their actions bad, but it does place them in a place of nonsupport by the larger society.
Sexuality exists in our heads. We imagine and create a sexual world that bears only a passing resemblance others' realities. I believe that only a small fraction of these imagining are related to others. We are not so incredibly special that only you or I have a unique sexual thought. There are sexual "archetypes" that are not fully expressed by those who feel them. These archetypes are physically expressed when willing partner(s) are found. I believe that many of us walk around frustrated, our imaginings kept only to ourselves. The mantras of "don't do it" push these desires deeper. Those who deny the physical expression of their desires and continue to feed them internally run the risk of a "exploding" in some inappropriate or destructive way. I say that sex in the head may not be 'real, but it does have a drive and voice that must be addressed for the person to have a healthy life.
Sexuality exists in congress with others. I am a fan of consensual activities. I also believe that there is a place of hygiene, compassion and acknowledgment of life contracts. Hygiene speaks to being responsible and mature. Compassion adds an emotional component to the maturity. Life contracts are those agreements we have with people. Sexuality can create energetic bonds. We establish contracts with others so that bonds are guarded and respected. Simply put, don't make any promises you can't keep when it comes to sexual relationships. All of this rolls up into something I will call sexual integrity.
Sexual integrity is important no matter how 'deviant' the behavior is. The irony is that more extreme deviant behavior requires more sexual integrity. Deviancy moves people away from the norm of the bell curve. Reliable and matching partner(s) become more difficult to find. Those who are compatible are entrusted with the knowledge that the person is outside of societal norms. So, there is a reputation aspect as wells as any associated health issues. In my opinion, sustained deviancy requires more maturity than sexuality experienced "in the norm".
I'm a deviant in my own ways. I strongly suspect we all are. This is not important, as the measure of deviancy can be an artificial creation of the society or tribe. How can we turn those 'deviant' thoughts in our heads into reality? Find a tribe that supports your appetites. Then honor yourself and others. Sexuality is only part of a larger life. The healthy pursuit of your sexuality, no matter where it will take you, is just a part of who you are. Be safe, have fun, and celebrate complexity.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-22 01:20 am (UTC)This part really spoke to me. Another excellent post. I resonate with these obviously. But this spoke to me because yes we still have these desires and when not expressed outside they do keep happening inside because libido starts inside from the desire and affects the mind which causes the actions. So to deny the actions and just exist on a mental level...if the desire is not dealt with from its root, then abstinence in mind or body will cause disease. And that sickness will explode in a very unhealthy way.
In my yoga studies we call this tamas....this unhealthy explosion. It's is tamasic energy that is being released from the pain of abstaining from a desire begging to be expressed. This very thing, desire and libido, is what yoga addresses. To undo that you need Gods help. We can't do it alone. That is the path of the swami, if one so chooses to go down that road. It's different from a monk.... A yogi or a swami, they approach it scientifically and with particles and love and devotion.
There is a part of the Bhagavad Gita that says basically what you wrote here. I'll have to find the reference.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-22 01:39 am (UTC)Today on Facebook I saw a shared article on "masturdating" (http://www.meetmindful.com/article-single-masturdating-trend-sweeps-the-nation/). There are outlets and there are outlets. Still... I think that more is required, and that more involves connecting with others.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-22 02:28 am (UTC)Agreed. I'm finding connecting with others through tumblr and here fulfilling for the time being. I think if I express my feelings as I feel them it will be interesting to see where it takes me. Do you have a tumblr account?
no subject
Date: 2014-07-22 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-24 12:42 pm (UTC)It would be like a fusion of deviant art and dreamwidth and maybe Facebook in that you've got the photography and art reblogging like deviantart and you have the ability to write short posts like Facebook or longer journals like dreamwidth. You can find on there informative posts like you would find on FB too. Have you looked at my tumblr? vox-oceanus.tumblr.com.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-24 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-24 06:43 pm (UTC)Excellent! Ok, just offering the idea because I know you like ways to express your creativity. Id like to start a wordpress blog too.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-24 12:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-24 02:45 pm (UTC)I've thought about starting one of those
no subject
Date: 2014-07-22 03:05 am (UTC)